A Kid Called Ulquiorra
by PashaPup
Summary: Ulquiorra had always been one of the most poised and impassive Espada, until he woke up to find he now had the stature of a 5-year-old boy. Can he keep up his reputation or will he become a laughing matter?
1. Change of fate

Chapter 1

Author: I got this idea after watching the "Will Ferrell's Landlord" video on youtube. There's too many depressing and gloomy Ulquiorra fics out there, and though many are really good, I just get depressed reading one after another, so I wanted to write something cute and lighthearted. Hope you'll like pint-size Ulqui.

Disclaimer: Not mine I tell you!!

Chapter 1, Part 1

Waking up one morning in Hueco Mundo, Ulquiorra couldn't help but feel something was different about him.

He sat up in his ivory white bed, which took up the back wall of his just as white room. Bland and colorless… it fit him well.

He slowly got out of bed, and as he stood in his room he felt… shorter. That or everything else had gotten bigger. He shook off that thought and made his way to his closet, opening it to reveal several of the same Espada uniform, all neatly hung inside. Taking one from the far right, he quickly got dressed.

And then it happened…

There was a lengthy list of normal yet embarrassing happenings that never seemed to happen to Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra making a blunder would be considered a joke to any other Espada. He was poised and proud, with an indestructibly straight face. So it was a shock to him that as Ulquiorra made his way for the door, he suddenly tripped over something, an incident Ulquiorra had not experienced for as long as he could remember.

He looked down to see his tailcoat was the source of the problem. His clothes were several sizes too large for him, his pants rippled over his feet and the tails of his coat dragged along the marble floor. His hands were invisible under the long sleeves and the only thing keeping everything on him was his black sash… which was also way too large. For once, he was very confused, but let out a sigh and, careful not to step on his dragging clothes again, opened the door and made his way down the hall. After all, he had a prisoner that needed her breakfast, and Ulquiorra was never late.

A few more hallways and Ulquiorra started passing other hollows. They were mostly arrancar, a few Espada. Many stood around idly, before they felt Ulquiorra's presence.

And then came the staring…

Ulquiorra could feel the eyes of Espada and other arrancar on him as he strode the castle's hallways to Orihime's room. At first he believed it was because of his saggy clothes, but he couldn't help but feel something was different about… himself. Everyone and everything seemed to tower before him. As he reached Orihime's room, he had to stand on his tiptoes just to reach the door. With effort, he pushed the door open, and called for a servant to bring the tray of breakfast food. The servant stared at him, but quickly looked away when Ulquiorra glared back. Ulquiorra stepped into Orihime room.

"Woman, your breakfast ith here-" Ulquiorra began but stopped at the sound of his voice. It had a childish tone, articulated with a lisp and very mispronounced.

At the sound of a child's voice, Orihime wiped around, only to be shocked further at what she saw. "…Ulquiorra?"

"Yeth woman, what? He said, foot tapping under his saggy pants.

She scratched her head and softly said "Have you looked at yourself?"

At that he walked to the prisoner's bathroom, and looked into the full view mirror on the wall. Staring back at him was Ulquiorra: Green eyes, black hair, tear marks and hollow helmet. Though he looked like himself, there was one difference…

He had the stature of a five-year-old boy.

…

Chapter 1, Part 2

He came back out, eyes wide in panic. "How… how did thith… how could thith happen?" He repeated this as he walked about the room, childish panic overcoming him. Orihime watched as he did this, and found herself holding back a laugh. Here was her ever-stoic guard, fidgeting about the room with his tailcoat dragging along behind him.

At last he started to calm down, sitting on the white couch in the room and gathering his thoughts. He was still Ulquiorra Schiffer, and if he was going to keep up his reputation, he was going to have to act like himself too.

And act he did…

He got up, and stood straight, striding to his prisoner with impassive eyes. He stopped before her, looked up at her, and with a childish but stern voice said "Eat woman."

Her response wasn't what he wanted. She stared back at him and then… burst out laughing. She fell to the floor in a fit of laughter actually. Not as if that was humiliating enough, Ulquiorra could hear the servant behind him chuckling too. In mortified anger he bent over and grabbed her by the collar, bringing her to eye level with himself (Which wasn't very far from the ground really…). Giving her a death glare he repeated himself. "**Eat… woman…**"

She did as he said… quickly.

As she ate breakfast, Orihime noticed something new about… little Ulquiorra. As a child, he had more character, rather than acting like a statue as he always had before. He was now standing before her, arms crossed and foot tapping. It was like he was pouting. She guessed that his change had not only physical, but mental effects.

Another thing she noticed was that no matter what he did, it was irresistibly adorable. His eyes were big and round and his helmet seemed too big for him, slipping over his eyes every so often. Though he tried not to, he tripped often. He had a childlike charm now.

She felt sorry for him too. He had always described Las Noches as being a dangerous place. He seemed so vulnerable now, and as she had seen from the way Grimmjow acted, at least one of the Espada wouldn't blink an eye if he got killed. No matter how he treated her before, she held no grudge, and was truly worried for him now.

"Ulquiorra… be careful." She said weakly as he trotted over to take her tray.

"Don't worry woman, I won't spill your tray." Ulquiorra mumbled.

"That's not what I mean-" But as she tried to elaborate he slipped once again, a tray of half-eaten eggs landing on his head.

As he got up, brushing the mess from his hair, she tried again. "I meant look out for yourself-" But she was once again interrupted, this time by an arrancar at the door.

"Ulquiorra Schiffer," declared the hollow "Lord Aizen has demanded your presence."

AN: Good, bad, you now what to kill me? Please give me feedback!


	2. Fate is cruel

Chapter 2

As fate would have it, Grimmjow was just leaving Aizen's throne room as Ulquiorra entered.

Grimmjow wasn't in the best of moods either. Aizen had given him a long speech over an incident earlier that day. It had seemed that during another of Aizen's entirely unnecessary meetings, Grimmjow had finally snapped. Apparently, Grimmjow didn't like tea, and Aizen did. Meeting after meeting, it was the same thing: Aizen's monotonous lectures and a cup of tea for each Espada. This meeting however, Grimmjow had suddenly lost it, tossing his cup of tea across the table and demanding never to have to drink it again. This little episode wouldn't go unpunished by Aizen though, and he ordered Grimmjow to speak with him privately after the meeting.

It was just Ulquiorra's luck to be the first to encounter Grimmjow as he walked out.

For some reason, Grimmjow had always despised Ulquiorra. He hated the way he talked, the way he walked, and his very existance. Of coarse, Ulquiorra detested him just as much.

Ulquiorra wondered if there was a way to murder fate.

It went okay at first. Because of Ulquiorra's new height, he almost slipped past as Grimmjow burst out the throne room doors. Almost. Just as he passed Ulquiorra, Grimmjow suddenly stopped, and whipped around to face a 4-foot 4th Espada. Grimmjow stood there, trying to piece it together: _Ulquiorra, kid, Ulquiorra, child, Ulquiorra, why is he so short? _And after all that thinking, (For that was a lot of thinking coming from Grimmjow) he still didn't understand. And so his blunt response was:

"Did you get smaller?"

"No." Was Ulquiorra's answer, practically dunked in sarcasm. The caveman really was as dumb as he looked, thought Ulquiorra.

With that, Ulquiorra started for the doors, head held high with what little dignity he had left. It was not long though, before he realized he was no longer on the ground. He looked around to see he was being held up, eye level with Grimmjow. With one hand, the 6th Espada held the little arrancar by the back of his coat's collar. Ulquiorra dangled there, all self-respect now lost.

"If you value your life, you will put me down this insta-"

But Ulquiorra was quickly drowned out by Grimmjow's hysterical laughter. The sixth Espada had never really been big on respect before. Nevertheless, Ulquiorra waited till Grimmjow's laughing fit subsided. Grimmjow looked right at him, a deadly grin on his face.

"And you'll do what? Throw a tantrum?" And then he exploded into another fit of laughter. Ulquiorra took this as an opportunity, though. While Grimmjow laughed away, he carefully slid out of his coat and fell with a light thud to the ground beneath. It was a long fall with his new height, and he winced as his knees hit the hard, tiled floor. He was shocked when he felt his eyes well up, and a single tear of pain fell down his cheek. In all irony, though his hollow markings resembled green streaks of tears, he'd never cried before. He was really starting to hate this new body.

But he didn't have time to cry.

Remarkably, Grimmjow was still too distracted to see he no longer held the forth Espada captive. Ulquiorra took this moment to zip under his legs and slide into Aizen's throne room.

…

When Ulquiorra entered, he was surprised to see Aizen up and busy, rather than lounging on his throne, sipping that sickening tea. He was instead pacing the room, hogyoku in his hands. Ulquiorra cleared his throat to notify Aizen of his presence. He didn't look up. Seconds past, and Ulquiorra forced himself to speak up, hopeful Aizen wouldn't hear his lisp…

"Lord Aithen, it ith I, Ulquiorra Thiffer." He should have known by now fate hated him.

Aizen continued to stare at the small box, but answered. "Ulquiorra, my forth Espada, I have a mission for you. I hear that Kurosaki Ichigo and the rest of our captive's friends have infiltrated Hueco Mundo. Kurosaki somehow broke though and into Las Noches as well. He is heading down hall three of the west wing-"

Ulquiorra dared to interrupt. "Aizen, I don't believe I am fully prepared to fight at the mo-"

"My Espada are always prepared to fight. This is urgent. Leave immediately."

His Espada weren't four feet tall and crying over bruised knees either. And of course, Aizen never looked up to see why Ulquiorra had even argued. He was a soldier to Aizen though, and followed every order he was given. He guessed this was no different.

He should have known there was a lot about him that was different now.

Before he left to face off Ichigo, Ulquiorra made one stop. It was to see a certain captive of Aizen, the reason that this Kurosaki kid was here.

He had had a dream once about Orihime's friends finally coming to rescue her. In the dream, he was talking to his captive. He used harsh words, foretelling her of how her friends were foolish for coming, they would surely be killed. As much as she cried, he continued his dark speech until finally… she slapped him. The dream ended there, but felt he'd won in the end, for he knew he was right, and so did she. As he entered her room, he decided he'd make that dream a reality.

Inside, she sat on the white couch. She looked up to see him staring at her. He walked to her slowly, and started reciting the speech from his dream.

"Woman-" He began but he was interrupted not by a slap… but a hug. He was tackled by the captive in a cheerful hug as she spoke in the most thrilled voice. "Ulqui-chan, they've come! They finally came to rescue me!" So she had sensed their reatsu. This was definetly not the reaction he'd expected, but nothing was really going as expected for him. She squeezed him like he was a teddy bear as she showed the highest of spirit since she been imprisoned.

Somewhere, fate was doubled over laughing… ten times louder than Grimmjow Jeagerjaques had.

...

AN: Fate and I are friends now. We share common interests. Lol.

I'm going to have more Orihime and Grimmjow in the next chapter, so that should be fun.

So, how will Ulquiorra's confrontation with Ichigo go? Will Aizen find out about Ulquiorra's new look? Will Grimmjow actually... help Ulquiorra?! I'll have it all in chapter 3! Hopefully I can get the inspiration and actually finish quicker on the next chappie.


	3. A deal with fate

"Oh, Ulquiorra, this is wonderful!" Orihime was still ecstatic, but had released Ulquiorra from her bear hug, and was now cheerfully circling her room. "I can sense all their riatsu just fine. That means no one is badly hurt. Everyone's okay, and their so close now, especially Ichigo. I wonder why they split up though." Orihime had felt them divide paths earlier. "I hope no one gets lost. I know I would." She continued her thoughts out loud, going on about nonsense only she could conjure. It started to give Ulquiorra a headache.

"Think what you might, woman, they won't make it much further. Aizen has ordered me to go stop this Ichigo Kurosaki myself."

Orihime had to do a double-take. Did she hear him right? "Wait, Aizen ordered you, as you are now," She acted out his height, lowering her hand four feet from the ground, "to go take on… Ichigo?"

"That would be correct."

"You… all alone…"

"I like working alone."

"Am I missing something?"

"Well," Ulquiorra thought of how he would say it, "Aizen might not be fully aware of my new… stature. It's in my best interest he doesn't find out either, but that's inevitable." Ulquiorra's eyes looked slightly worried.

Orihime became concerned. "What would happen if he did find out?"

Ulquiorra looked up at her. He said nothing, but she was sure it wouldn't be good. It upset her to see him so anxious. He'd always seemed more of a guard than a captor to her. Though this wasn't his fault, she new he'd be punished, and probably stripped of his Espada rank. Grimmjow, one of the few other Espada she had met, had his rank taken, but had it restored when she returned his arm. She had no idea if Ulquiorra's condition was curable. She felt helpless.

Ulquiorra turned to leave, probably off to face Ichigo. As he left, Orihime shook off her feeling of uselessness, and replaced it with a sudden resolve. She was determined to help him, but knew she couldn't do it alone. She didn't know many Espada, but there was one who stuck out as she thought about it. She decided on a familiar but unlikely ally…

……

A while back, Aizen had happened upon Orihime's unique taste in food. Surprisingly, he shared a similar view and had granted her the job of cooking for him and his Espada. Though Espada preyed on souls like any hollow, Aizen felt gathering them for regular meals would make them more civilized than lower hollows. Although he seemed to enjoy it, his Espada would rather gouge out their own eyes, especially when the meals were all cooked by Inoue Orihime.

So it was in the kitchen Orihime found her unlikely partner.

Grimmjow Jeagerjauqes was currently trying to hide away the majority of Orihime's recipes. His hiding spot was behind the leftovers of her last repulsive meal, which was pushed to the far back of the fridge. The smell of the odd mix of salmon, syrup, and tomato sauce scorched Grimmjow's nose. Shielding his nostrils from the horrible smell, he jumped backwards, knocking over something behind him.

And when it yelped in surprise, he turned to see that the "something" was "someone". Someone named Orihime, actually.

"Um… I- I was just…" Grimmjow tried to come up with an excuse, but Orihime stopped him. She wasn't all that concerned about his sneaky try at escaping her morbid recipes. She had other matters to discuss.

Orihime was smarter that she sometimes looked, and she had come up with a brilliant plan. She knew about Grimmjow's rivalry with Ulquiorra, so it would be a challenge persuading him to help her guardian. Thankfully though, she had a deal ready that he'd never refuse.

Grimmjow looked around, aware of Ulquiorra's absence. Ulquiorra normally followed Orihime to the kitchen to wait while she cooked. He never left her side except for meetings and missions.

"Where's that little brat? Ulquiorra decided to skip dinner, or is this his naptime?" Grimmjow grinned at his own joke

_So he already knew about Ulquiorra's change. _She was relieved she didn't have to explain it all. He probably wouldn't have believed her. This made it easier.

"He's off on a mission. Aizen just sent him to… greet Ichigo." She didn't want to imagine Ichigo and Ulquiorra fighting. She'd developed a sort of bond with her guard, and it left a lump in her throat to think of her best friend hurting him.

Grimmjow nodded, but then finally caught the mistake. "He sent Ulquiorra? **Little** Ulquiorra?"

"Yes, but he didn't **see** Ulquiorra yet. He doesn't know, and he can't know or Uqui will be punished." Grimmjow lifted an eyebrow at her abbreviation of his name. "We have to help Ulquiorra or-"

"Did you say we?!" **We **doesn't apply 'cause **I **won't help!" Grimmjow's eyes were angry and shocked as he continued to rant at the frightened girl. "I hate his guts. Let Aizen drop-kick his butt right out of Las Noches!" He was fuming now.

"How about a deal?" She quietly asked when he finished.

He let out a humorless laugh. "There is nothing you could offer that would make me **think** of helping him."

"You help me and you'll never have to eat my food again." She deadpanned.

That got him.

"What if… I don't… help?" He asked cautiously, though he was sure he already knew.

"I cook you my… 'favorite' recipes," she thought about it, and then added "for **every single meal**." She was grinning now. "Do we have a deal?"

She held out her hand, waiting for him to decide. Reluctantly, he lifted his and shook hands with the deviant chef.

………………..

AN: I had fun writing this chapter. Grimmjow is just as disgusted by the food as he is the tea. Poor guy. Next chapter will finally feature Ichigo, and have lots more of Ulqui. I hope I'm not making him too childish. I want this to affect his attitude, but I don't want to make him too ooc either. Tell me your thoughts on that via review. I really like to know these things. C:

Also, I'm thinking of another story to write along with this one. It will be about Aizen finding out about what happened to Nell. He brings her back to Las Noches and orders Grimmjow to take care of her till she's no longer in her child form. Tell me your thoughts on that too. I wished they'd add a Nell Tu category to fanfic, tho.

Anyways, here's the teaser for the next chapter:

How will the Ulquiorra/Ichigo confrontation go? Will Ichigo fight Ulquiorra? Will Orihime and Grimmjow interfere? It's all in the next chapter of coarse!


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